Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

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New Scars Always Bring New Lessons

April 2, 2012

ImageHi everyone! I just wanted to take the time to write a post to let you know I’m still here and I still review things every now and then. I’ve had a couple e-mails lately from people asking whether or not
I was still there, or if the e-mail was still active, and it certainly is, so I still welcome all questions!

I’ve been living in New York City, for almost 2 years now, and it’s just been a great, yet crazy busy place to be. I’ve got plenty of good friends, and also had plenty of well-meaning attempts at relationships! I continue to learn things every day, and like I’ve always wanted to do, I’ll bring that information about it to you guys, because I feel it’s always something to share. I’ve recently ended yet another attempt at a serious relationship, and so as I go through these crazy emotions and I get feeling down on myself, I figured writing a post to passing on my lessons learned will help me focus on the good in life and remind me what’s important. So you guys help me a lot as well!

I met him on May 20th, 2011 while out at a local bar in Hells Kitchen. It was technically past midnight, which means I met him on the fateful “Judgement Day”, something that had been joked about in the gay community for a couple weeks by then. We were both out and had some drinks, so it seemed like it was going to be a one night stand type of thing, which I don’t like to do, but my instincts must have been right about something. We ended up spending the entire weekend together and had an AMAZING time, walking around the city, eating food, and cuddling into each other’s arms at the end of each night. As usual, I had done my best throughout the weekend to hide any signs of an irregular bowel system, and I had done it pretty successfully. We didn’t have any messes, and I used the excuse of just always getting up to pee at night, to hide that I was actually getting up to excrete bowels, and so it wouldn’t seem abnormal to him. Now things between us obviously seemed like maybe this could be formed into something real. He was the sweetest, most caring person I knew at the time and had seemed like a great match for me.

It was the following Tuesday that we were driving out to a Wal-Mart in New Jersey to go shopping and right from the beginning of the drive, he confessed that he knew some information about me. I asked what he was talking about, and he admitted to Google-ing my e-mail address, and this blog was the first thing that popped up. This was something I had never thought of before, and I guess I always figured I would never let boyfriends read this blog, because it contains ALOT of personal information. My first reaction to him telling me this was an upsetness, and embarrassment. I wasn’t ready for him to know this, and I wanted to at least break him in, and not only that, but the first post that came up for this was the one all about sex and how I prepare for it, and what issues I had. I felt as though someone had broken into my diary or something and took away my personal feelings and thoughts. It lead to a pretty big argument between us and not a fun shopping trip at all. We shopped away from each other and cooled off for a bit and sat in his car in the parking lot before we left and I explained to him my intense insecurities and why I was so upset that he had read that. He assured me that it was nothing to him and nothing for me to worry about, but I had still felt uneasy. He had given me the perfect answer, but apparently, I needed to cool down some more.

What I didn’t tell him about another reason I was upset is because it had always seemed that once potential boyfriends know, even if they say it doesn’t bother them, I actually start to have more insecurities from that point on. It seems to me that as long as no one knows, we can always pretend it’s not there. But if they do know, then it’s something that’s always going to come up and always going to be the elephant in the room, so I worry that my insecurities were going to make it frustrating for him and start to tear the relationship away. It had happened with all previous guys before that, so I just expected the same. But it never did that to us. He was actually a perfect boyfriend, that honestly did not care anything about it. He gave me lots of respect for the effort I put in to making sex good between us, and he always knew that I would need to go into the bathroom for 5-10 minutes before sex, so he always allowed that. Because of him, my confidence in sex SKYROCKETED and I felt like it was just the best sex I’d ever had. I had felt that I was always clean and things were never an issue between us with that. There were a couple times when it wasn’t always clean, like if we wanted morning sex or something, but he still never cared about it, and so it still made me feel better. Not to mention, he was a tall black guy, so I had alot to deal with, if you catch my drift… haha.

Now here’s where something happened for the first time and here’s the real important lesson… because of my sexual confidence with him and how good he made me feel about my insecurities, I let myself lower other standards I had, saying he was still making up for it by accepting me for who I was. This should never happen, because someone should always accept you for who you are, with no conditions necessary. I looked past a lot of red flags with him, because I still thought he was perfect for me. For instance, he admitted to me a few weeks in that he has a felony charge, because he stole $25,000 from a previous employer when he was 18. He had also mentioned a DWI, and a domestic violence charge from a previous ex-boyfriend who he explained to be dramatic and who had exaggerated the incident. From what I’d known about him, he was just so noble and caring, I was sure there were other circumstances where those things couldn’t have been his fault, so I looked past them. And he had stated he’d learned a lot of lessons in life, so it had helped him be the man he was today. Since that is something I’ve known to be true in my own life, I could afford him the ability to take the same lessons learned.

Now let’s skip ahead of couple of months. We had been madly in love all this time and were now living together and had a great life going for us. For legal reasons, I won’t go into specific details, but let’s just say he did something slightly illegal, and so I was all too surprised to get a call at work from him one day asking if I would come to the local police precinct to pick up his belongings, because he had been taken into custody. This had been a devastating phone call for me, and lead to a few days of terrible drama, as I became the one he needed to post $5,000 bail on his behalf to get him out of jail, and the end result is that he was being brought up on felony charges for the 2nd time in this life. Obviously the red flags were literally slapping me in the face at this time, but I had loved him, so as Tammy Wynette said, “Stand By Your Man”, and that I did.

The court case brought on a huge amount of stress and we were fighting quite often. The fights would escalate sometimes and involve some shoving and intimidation tactics by him, which I certainly did not appreciate. He had an extreme jealousy problem and would be threatened by even the presence of some good friends of mine, which I found to be ridiculous. And so I always told him when I thought he was wrong and I demanded that he clear up those issues with himself. I’m stubborn as hell, so I wasn’t going to let someone else tell me what to do. The fights would almost always happen in the recent increase of drinking binges that he had been on. As a caring partner, I did what I could to try and point out how the drinking was causing problems in his life and becoming too excessive, but at the same time something like that would just get him upset, so it was something I was always weary to bring up. It had seemed I was in a catch 22.

We had decided to book a vacation to New Orleans to give ourselves a much-needed break from all the recent stress. There were high hopes for this, and we were both ready to have time away from the real world and focus on our love. Well, it was only the second night there, that both of us had gotten pretty drunk (as happens in New Orleans), and we had met this other couple and were hanging around with them all night. I had went to the bathroom with them, while he waited by the drinks and we were all talking and having a good time. When we came out, he was there furious and grabbed my arm and yanked me out of the bar. He demanded that we walk back to the hotel, which we did, but the whole time was him accusing me of flirting with those guys, and saying I must have done something sexual with them in the bathroom. When we got back to the hotel room, unfortunately our argument escalated so intensely that before I knew it, I was being held down on the bed and his fist was going back and forth across my face. I was finally able to throw him off me with my legs and I immediately ran for the bathroom to lock myself in. But on my way, he grabbed my arm, turned me around and threw me into the bathtub, where I landed into the soap holder and herniated my diaphragm muscle. At this point, I was in the tub sobbing, I couldn’t see out of my right eye, and blood was all over my face. I had felt paralyzed by the fall and I’m not sure if clarity hit him when he looked at me in that position, but he walked away into the bedroom and sat on the bed with his face in his hands. It didn’t take long for a neighboring room to call the cops, because they showed up while I was still in the tub. They stayed in the bathroom with me and locked the door while talking to me, and the whole time he was banging on the door asking to speak with me privately and telling me how much he loved me. I was sobbing to the cops, begging them not to arrest him, because he was out on bail and I’d lose all the money I posted for him if he got arrested. They finally got both of us to calm down and we promised to get right into bed, so when they left, it had seemed peaceful as we were both on opposite sides of the bed and didn’t say a word to each other. I fell asleep that night feeling like I couldn’t believe the point my life was in and that I couldn’t imagine how someone could do what he did to someone he loved.

It wasn’t too long later that now I was thinking how someone could stay with someone who did what he did. Yet, here I was, still madly in love with him and couldn’t bring myself to be without him. I won’t need to elaborate any further, but that obviously wasn’t the last time I was hit by Brandon, nor did it show that any lesson had been learned on either of our parts. We kept fighting with each other, and as I mentioned before, I’m stubborn as hell, so I would never be smart enough to realize that I needed to be responsible enough to de-escalate the fights. So I just kept saying my nasty things, because I knew that even if he hurt me with bodily harm, I could still hurt him with my words. Over the course of my knowing him, I had to replace two closet doors in my apartment and have a hole patched up in the plaster of my wall as well. After New Orleans, It took almost a month for the blood to get out of my actual eyeball, and the bruises faded some time before that.

Needless to say, my self esteem plummeted consistently over the next several months that we were together and it took me a long time to finally reach the conclusion that this isn’t the person I should have in my life. I hid away from family and friends, because I was ashamed of the fact that I was allowing myself to be a victim, and then justifying it because I said he loved me for who I was and accepted things about me that I didn’t think anyone else would accept. It created feelings I hadn’t had since I was coming out and having the trouble of accepting who I was. I finally approached him one day and told him I was no longer happy and no longer wanted to be with him. I had been terrified to bring it up with him, even though he joined Alcoholics Anonymous to try and control his drinking, because I knew he hadn’t had any improvement on trying to control his anger. He was extremely upset, but besides being pushed into a couple walls, and having a new hole punched in my closet door, I was able to walk away unscathed, yet still hurting on the inside to a great degree. That was just over a month ago now, and the times since have been upsetting and dramatic, with both of us saying how much we still loved each other and didn’t want to be apart. It can very easily be compared to a band-aid, where you just can’t tear it off, because of the pain you’re worried you’ll have. And I just didn’t know how to accept not having him in my life, because I’m so passionately in love with him.

Now I should say it obviously wasn’t all bad, he truly was an amazing person, he just had a lot of issues to deal with himself, so that projected those issues onto other people. He had been abused as a child and I know that was a huge part of him having these issues. He was noble and always stated that he wanted to take care of me and support me and that he had even wanted to marry me within the year. He talked about providing for a family and the times that he was unemployed, he was up at 8:00am, dressed in a shirt and tie and walking all around New York City all day putting in resumes and doing interviews. When he did finally get a job, he had quickly worked his way up from a temp position to full time, and received rave reviews from his supervisors. He joined Alcoholics Anonymous in an effort to control his drinking because he knew how much it bothered me and he kept himself sober since the day he entered it. But the end result of it all is that he was just too young (he was 23) and hadn’t really learned enough life lessons to realize where the wrong can be, and to realize how to make smart decisions in life. I’d like to say it was one of those “right person, wrong time” scenarios, but I really don’t know if that’s true. I feel like the right time wouldn’t be for a long time to come because of the amount of things he needs to learn, but it’s also hard to label him as a wrong person, because we just seemed to fit together so perfectly besides those obvious issues.

There are times when I sit home alone on my couch and I’m just so upset because I miss his arms around me on this couch and the comfort I felt then. I think about the scar left on my heart because of this, but I also think about the scars I had on the nights we fought, and no one should have scars on their body as a result of relationships. To this day I have that scar under my right eye that never quite healed right, and I can look at it everyday as a reminder of why I should never change my standards for someone I love. The scar on my arm reminds me as well and the fact that I can’t fold down my left ring finger all the way reminds me. In my first post on here, I stated that my scars remind me that the past is real, and just as the scar on my stomach reminds of what I overcame in sickness and surgery, these new scars remind me of what I overcame in feelings of hopelessness and captivity to love.

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This is not the face of love.

P.S.– If someone you know is in a violent relationship, you should understand that most of the time, they DO NOT have the ability to walk away on their own. At the same time, they are almost always going to reject any help you try to give them, because they are already ashamed of themselves, and can’t think of someone else telling them they’re doing something wrong. Just let them know that you want them to make their own choices and that you’ll be there for them if they need anything. This will form the beginnings of the self-esteem they need to make the choices in their life and will bring about happiness for them. Be patient and be understanding.

If you yourself are a victim of violence, please do not believe that it should be justified because of other personal factors they accept about you. If that person came along, there’s no reason that a similar and non-violent person won’t come along as well at another time. Because they always will. Learn to love yourself first and you’ll begin to see where life moves along at a smoother pace.

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SEX: Straight Up (Well, Maybe Not So Straight)

December 7, 2010
I would say that most of the e-mails I’ve received in response to this blog from guys (and a few straight women!) have been regarding the topic of sex. Most of them are concerned if they could do it or not. I would think that they were asking, because it had been brought up with their sexual partner, and they have obviously been researching whether it can be done. Hence, my blog is one of the first that comes up when you search anything about anal sex related to digestive diseases. I like it that way! For those of you who are complete tops, there’s probably not much information you need from this post anyways, and you can continue your topping ways. But I would advise to read it over, in case you come across anyone who’s living with these diseases, or has had the surgeries, so that you can know and be an understanding partner. And those of you who identify as mostly a bottom, I hope that you will find this post extremely helpful, and as a “manual” to your future, yet altered, sex life.

So here in this post, I’m going to lay it all out on the line about what I know from what we can and can’t do in the bedroom. I will again mention that I am NOT a medical professional, so none of this information should be taken officially, but this is all from what I’ve researched (trust me, I did alot!), and also from what I’ve personally experienced (there’s been a lot of research there, as well!). But then I did hear from someone who said his doctor was so nervous about talking about gay sex, he just told the guy to “use more lube” and ran out of the office! So we have to look somewhere in the middle to find information on such a taboo topic, but I’m not afraid to get it out there, so that there isn’t another person as confused and scared as I was. Some might consider this post graphic, so I advise that if you are not willing to read about anal sex, then please continue on to another post.

Pre-Surgical Passions:

Where should I begin? Let’s start with anatomy. For those of you who are pre-surgery, you still have your large intestine (or some of it anyways), and I’m also assuming you still have your rectum. The rectum is the official organ of anal sex. Therefore, receptive anal sex is possible for you folks. But if any of your were like me, you were so sick and there was so much inflammation it would have been far too painful to even think about having sex. Also, you would be going to the bathroom so many times, the thought of any mess or blood would be enough to kill the mood. I remember also just feeling so down about being sick and I was so weak, I don’t think I ever had the energy to be sexually active. It was a very strange time. But if some of you are stabilized or healthy enough to give it a try, I’d say it could be done. But keep in mind, it is very tender in there, and anal sex will most likely cause bleeding. This will need to be discussed with your partner and you also have to keep in mind that the bleeding is a sign that there is more damage. You really want to take your time and not let things get rough. If there are any ulcers or extra inflammation, then there could be some tearing or damaging that could occur, so please be careful. You must ALWAYS be in control and you should be a good judge of what you can and can’t handle. You’re health is on the line.

Post-Surgical Passions- The J-Pouch:

Ileoanal Anastomosis

For those of you who are post-surgery, it can get a little more complicated. There are a couple options for procedures, but the most common would be the Ileoanal Anastomosis (“J-Pouch”). I will also talk about the ileorectal anastomosis (“IRA”), because that is the procedure I had, and so I’m quite familiar with it. If you have the J-Pouch, the answer to the anal sex question is unfortunately, NO. As can be seen in the picture, the folded small intestine that creates your J-Pouch is sewn right to the anal canal. This provides almost no room for a penis to pass through, as the small intestine is very narrow. I can’t say the exact size, but it’s certainly not much bigger than the width of a drinking straw, or your pinky finger at most. It is also not as elastic as the rectum, so cannot stretch as freely when an object is inserted. There’s also the concern of the suture site being right there, and any stretching can certainly drastically increase the risk of a tear. If it wouldn’t be the visceral skin that is torn, it could possibly be any suture holding the J-Pouch in place, creating the effect of a rupture in the intestinal lining. I don’t think I need to go any further as to how critical that can be. And after what you went through with that surgery, a tear will only land you back on the operating table. I know this is extremely upsetting news, especially if you are younger and get pleasure out of bottoming. But after all the sickness and disease you’ve already gone through, you shouldn’t put yourself at any further risk. Further down this post, I will provide alternative options for sexual pleasure. If some of you are having touble dealing with this information, I advise that you seek someone to talk to, and if you don’t know anyone,  you can always e-mail me (Booties4986@aol.com), and I would be happy to talk with you about it. When I had my first surgery, I thought this was going to be my case and I went through a severe depressive mood, thinking that I was never going to have sex again and that no one would ever want to be with me. Trust me, I’ve been there. I also know what it’s like to think that you’ve lost your “gay identity”, or to feel that the part of what makes you who you are is now taken away. But I always say we have the advances of medicine in our future and perhaps there will be a way someday!

Post-Surgical Passions- The IRA:

Ileorectal Anastomosis

For those of us with the IRA (represent!), we have a slight advantage, but even more care and concern. People with an IRA have all or at least some of their rectum. The rectum is the main organ invovled in anal sex, as it is the only place that the penis goes. It is generally eight to ten inches long, if you have the whole thing. Since I have my entire rectum, I am still able to have sex, but I also use extreme caution. It is similar to being pre-surgery, except there is no pain and disease, but the sex drive is normal. At least it is for me. For one, if you have inflammation of the rectum (proctitis), it happens to be more painful and something you’d want to avoid so that further inflammation or damage doesn’t occur. I came down with mild proctitis recently and it was easily helped with rectal suppositories (mentioned in a previous post). The best way to have intercourse would be to get in the “riding” position. This allows full control to be in your hands. You can let it enter at your own pace, and if it becomes too painful, just get back up. Then you can also control the speed and depth of the thrusting, to make it the most comforatble for you. Also keep in mind that your rectum is now the storage area for all of your bowel movements, since the large intestine is no longer there to do that. They can’t be stored in your small intestine like they previously were in the colon, so you have to be very conscious of what’s going on down there before having sex. Make sure that you have gone to the bathroom and if I can provide a bit of advice that has been extremely useful to me…. douche. I went online and found an anal douche for only about $10, and it works wonders in clearing everything out. Of course it would need to be done right before the sexual act, otherwise time will just bring more bowels into the rectum and you’re back at square one. Another concern for post-IRA people would be the size of you sexual partner. We should always be concerned with girth, but it’s the length that is key here. As I mentioned before, you have a limited amout of space. What once would have passed your rectum and gone into the large intestine, can now no longer fit in the small intestine. It would bring up the same risks as people with the J-Pouch (tearing, bleeding, ruptures, etc), and should be avoided at all costs. Therefore you should cap the length of your sexual partner at 7.5 inches (all us men lie anyways, it shouldn’t be that hard to find!), unless you know the exact measurement of your rectum from your doctor. You should also avoid any sexual position that is out of your control, or where he would be deepest inside.

Heterosexual Anal Sex:

For women, all of the previous information is of course true. The anal anatomy would all be the same depending on what type of surgery you’ve had, but I would say that your rectums would probably be smaller. So something to consider, depending on the size of your partner. Men have prostates, which is what gives us the pleasurable feeling of anal sex, but women however may derive their own form of pleasure from it, or do it to please their sexual partners. I would advise that your partner be aware of your surgical history, and hopefully he will lose his desire for anal sex and stick with vaginal intercourse, to avoid any damage to you. If not, then in my opinion, he’s not a worthy man to keep around. But if anal intercourse is actually something that you get pleasure out of as well, and seek to explore, then read below for the alternatives, as it would be the same for you ladies as well.

How To Prepare:

Anal Douche

If you are pre-surgery, or post-surgery with an IRA, then there is unfortunately almost always going to be a preparation process. It doesn’t look like anal sex is ever going to be this random quickie thing for you again. If you’re at all like me, you’re most likely going to plan your day around whether you think you’re going to have sex or not and might get paranoid about making sure everything is going to go okay. As I mentioned before, the one thing that shot up my confidence was buying an anal douche. I was extremely paranoid because some of the times I was experimenting with sex after my surgeries, I would have a little bit of a mess. Thankfully, I had some understanding partners, but I think there is only so much a person can take. I would eventually just avoid having sex, and on extreme days, I prevented myself eating the whole day, so that by the time I was ready to be intimate at night, there shouldn’t be anything to pass through. Please don’t choose that option, because trust me, stuff passes through whether you eat or not. It’s all part of the body’s natural peristalsis. An anal douche is similar to using an enema, except you don’t have the intense bathroom-usage side effect, and it’s just basically washing your rectum. People who still have their colons might consider an actual enema. I fill mine up with lukewarm water and do two washes to clean things out, right before having sex. The cleaner the water that comes back out, the cleaner you know it is up there. You might even “feel” cleaner and therefore it would increase your confidence, and I’m sure that’s something your partner will notice and enjoy.

Another option is to pay attention to any  medications, supplements, or food you eat that day. I always be sure take the full amount of pills needed, and my last dose of Lomotil right before having sex. That medication slows down some of the working of the intestines, so it can slow down the process of food needing to come out. I use that in the hope of preventing any last-minute digestion while I’m in the bedroom. I also eat a Metamucil fiber cookie about an hour or two before anything, because then things can bulk up and prevent any loose, watery stools that would unfortunately be there no matter what douching does. And of course, eating any bulky food that day will also help and eating it in small amounts, at a decent time before, depending on how fast your digestive process is. For instance,  I feel as though my digestive process is about 5 to 6 hours. So anything I eat in a day, will generally be coming out 5 to 6 hours later. It’s all about timing. I also be sure to avoid anything that doesn’t fully digest. For example, lettuce, raw vegetables, or anything with seeds in it. Since they won’t digest for us anymore, and they can easily get stuck in the tract and not be able to be douched out, they can sometimes appear at the wrong time. This is definitely something you would want to avoid. The last thing you need is to have little bits of broccoli or lettuce involved in your sex!

The last thing that’s smart to take notice of is the environment. If you’re more comfortable in your own place, or have all the previous preparations readily available there, try to veer the act in your own domain. Not only would this increase your confidence, but you would have anything you need close by and are able to use them if required. Also, you can control other aspects of the sexual environment. For instance, if a certain smell is of concern to you, be sure to light scented candles in the bedroom. Not only will this provide romantic lighting, but it will also make the bedroom smell great and hopefully get rid of any concerning odors. There’s also the option of flavored lubricant. The brand, Wet, makes a strawberry kiwi that tastes nice and also gives off a very fruity smell that takes over the room. This is sure to mask any smell, and if he says something about it, just say it’s the only lube you have left. Also, controlling the lighting is another key. If there’s going to be a little mess and you sometimes can’t control it, then it would be better to keep the lights off. No one needs to see any of that, and I’m sure it will increase your confidence. I avoid daytime sex, because I’m just not sure enough how things are going to be and instead of worrying about it, I just keep the lights off, lay a towel down, and enjoy what I can. It should also be noted that having white, or light colored sheets might not be the smartest thing either. I go with the policy of making sure sure I’m as comfortable as can be, and he’s as clueless as can be!

Other Risks & Factors:

As with any sexual act, there are always risk factors involved. And if you couple that with having a chronic disease that may have involved the removal of key body organs, then you have to assume that the risks increase substantially. For those of you living pre-surgery, you most likely have inflammation, ulcers, or sores that are just asking for diseases to attack. It makes you extremely susceptible to contracting an STD, or other types of infection or bacteria that shouldn’t be there. It could easily put both you and your partner at risk. There’s also the risk of further damaging the frail tissue in that area, and from what I remember it was a long struggle just to heal that tissue, and I couldn’t imagine wanting to damage it for one sexual act.

For those of you living post-surgery with the IRA, it’s the same story with the STDs and infections. Most of us will basically always have the inflammation, and if not, then some of you may have scar tissue as well. This all creates a more shrunken environment than is usual. And a smaller environment down there, means it’s tighter and it’s more painful to take, and that pain just leads to slight tearing and bleeding, which can then lead to increased risk of contracting something or causing more scar tissue. It’s an unfortunate cycle.

However, these do not mean that those of you living pre-surgery, or post-surgery with an IRA can’t have sex, it just means that you should be VERY cautious. And it should allow those of you living post-surgery with a J-Pouch feel better about not even having to deal with having sex! It can be more work than it’s worth!

One of the last things I bring up, and it’s definitely a “risk” in my book, is abandonment and rejection. This can happen for ALL of us, whether you are pre- or post-surgery and whether you have a J-Pouch or an IRA. We are different. Just say it to yourself: “I am different”. Different, however, should not be viewed as bad, but just as something other than what society calls “normal”. But being gay, we should all already know the experience of being different and be proud of it! Franky, I think normal is pretty boring. I compare the words “normal”, “common”, and “frequent” with the words “different”, “rare” and “unique”. I’d much rather be the latter. Now that you realize that, you have to realize we are also different within our own community. We are gay men who are living with something that gets in the way of us leading a regular sex life. And because of that, we are more apt to be abandoned by those we love, or rejected by those we hope to love. There are a lot of people out there who don’t understand us and don’t understand what we went through. Some (mostly bottoms) probabaly aren’t going to mind as it might not affect them much. But the tops might not understand why we have to take precautions during sex, and they might lose interest in that. I can speak from personal experience that it’s very hard to get someone to accept your insecurities, your preparations, and sometimes even your scars. I was in the middle of a three year relationship when I got sick, and he was with me through pretty much all of it. I had decided to go through with the surgery, because I knew I wanted to be with him forever anyways, and we had talked it through. So I had the surgery, then he called me and ended our partnership before I even made it back home from my first surgery. Needless to say, I felt naive. But it was a learning experience into the risks of living post-surgery. And each date, or sexual encounter after that has still been a learning experience. I always say to look at it like a “filter”. We are biologically living with something that allows us to “filter out” the unworthy men in our lives, therefore saving much heartache later on.

Alternatives To Anal Sex:

The Bullet

Alas, we come to the topic of alternative ways to get sexual pleasure. The majority of these options work for both pre- and post-surgery patients, so they can be generalized, unless I have specified otherwise. One of the basic options is to just change the type of sex you’re having. If you had mostly, or exclusively, bottomed before getting sick, then consider switching roles. Discuss with your partner whether or not he would be willing to be the bottom from now on. This should also be something that you are willing to do. Some of us may not be comfortable switching roles, or may be bitter about the fact that the opportunity was taken from us, but it’s this or other less thrilling options. And frankly, I’d rather still have sex! If topping and bottoming isn’t how you classify your sex life, and you rely more on domination or submissiveness, then it wouldn’t matter what role you were in. If you were used to being more submissive, therefore leading you to bottom more frequently, then you can learn to be a submissive top. For instance, being thrown onto your back and ridden is just as dominating as being thrown onto your stomach and… well, there’s not exactly a decent word for it, haha. There are always ways to work around sex to make it comfortable for you, and your partner should be willing to do so, as long as he is comfortable as well. I find myself to be a little more submissive, so if I’m going to top, I’m much more comfortable having someone ride me, because then I can still feel like they are in control and like they are on “top”.

If you’re adament about not switching roles, there is a whole array of foreplay to explore. When I was diagnosed and didn’t have sex, my partner and I relied mostly on foreplay. After all, it doesn’t have to ALWAYS be about sex. Making out can become more passionate when it’s not just a time-passer between getting undressed and having sex. We are all (hopefully) equiped with two hands that can come in very handy all over the body. A simple back massage could work it’s way down to hand jobs, fingering (I’ll discuss later), or just an all-over massage that can relax the muscles and increase bloodflow, therefore leading to a more intense orgasm. I personally enjoy oral sex and find it to be satisfying enough for the majority of the time. Just like intercourse, this can involve a series of positions to promote sexual gratification. For gay men, 69 is the perfect equilibrium sexual activity. Both parties get the same satisfaction at the same time, there’s no risk of damaging anyone, and there’s a much smaller chance of transferring STD’s or infections (if done safely). For those of us who have more sexual receptors in the back end, there is of course the option of oral sex back there. This act provides no risk of damage to your surgery site, yet provides an intense stimulation. And from what I’ve experienced, the people that like to do it, REALLY like to do it and won’t mind. Of course, the preparations listed a few sections above should most definitely be taken into account, as you wouldn’t want to give yourself a reputation!

For the second round of foreplay, let’s consider options that involve forms of penetration. Of course these all need to be considered very carefully. One of the most basic forms is, of course, the finger. You should first explore it alone during masturbation. Try inserting one finger (very lubricated) in to get a feel for it and see how comfortable you would be. You should be able to feel the area and get an idea of what you have going on down there, because you’ll want to know when your with someone else. If you don’t notice much discomfort and feel like you can explore a second one, go ahead and try it. I would not advise going beyond two fingers. You might notice, because it will be tighter anyways, and you wouldn’t feel comfortable with anything bigger. Keep in mind, even if your fingers feel okay, it doesn’t mean a penis would. After you get to know it, try it with a partner if they are comfortable doing so. Express that they should start with one finger and keep it slow so you can get adjusted to it. This should provide a pretty safe form of anal stimulation and hopefully keep you from any harm. Other options include sex toys. Please don’t go overboard and keep these to a small size, and simple form. You don’t want anything too big, nor do you want anything with ridges, bumps, spikes, etc. This is a sure way of bringing on damage. At sex stores I’ve been to, I’ve seen really small dildos and other miscellaneous toys meant to be small enough, yet they still provide the stimulation. You may find that many of these toys are meant for use by women, but can easily be used by a man as well.

One of my favorite toys that I always talk about is The Bullet. This can come in many sizes, shapes, and colors, but is generally a small, silver bullet-shaped toy that is attached to a cord and remote. The objective is to insert it into your anus and use the switch on the remote to control the vibrations it makes. They generally range from slow to fast. Please be sure to buy the smallest version of The Bullet you can find and don’t use the high speed unless you’ve used the slow speed often and are comfortable with it. Too many vibrations might increase your chance of damaging something. If it’s too tight and The Bullet doesn’t fit all the way in, keeping it on the opening of the anus, with slight pressure, will still create an amazing feeling. Also, I should mention that if you are topping and you have The Bullet inside yourself, your penis will vibrate slightly. This should create yet another great feeling for both you and your partner!

For those of you who are post-surgery, with an IRA, if you notice some tightness when trying to have sex, there is yet another toy you should try. It’s a Rectal Dilator Kit. It usually comes with three to four buttplugs, in varying sizes. The point is that you start with the smaller one, and work your way up to the larger one, or whereever you feel comfortable stopping. This can help relax the muscles of the rectum and allow you to be more prepared for sex without the discomfort. But be VERY cautious with this, as some of the kits have the largest being so big, it’s alsmost impossible. I would generally stick with the first two sizes and this is ONLY if you have a rectum leftover (The J-Pouchers should not try this). There are plenty of things for you to explore at your local sex shop. Other items include anal beads, finger toys, dildo ice-cube makers, straps, handcuffs, feathers, costumes, poppers, and of course food. I highly recommend you try out these options, as the only thing it can do is make your sex life more interesting, and if you are worried about not being able to bottom, then these will surely pass the time between the sheets!

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The “Ins” and “Outs” of Rectal Suppositories

November 22, 2010

Since moving to New York City, there has been much going on in my life, yet I can also say there’s been much more satisfaction in my life as well. In 2008, I would never have pictured this is where I would be in 2010, and it’s just been amazing. It’s just also been busy and alas, I haven’t been as faithful to this blog as I wish. But I want that to change!

My latest post was about an increase in stress and how I had thought that possibly it affected some of my issues. Thankfully, none of it has really gotten worse, but it also wasn’t getting any better. I had been so distracted with New York City and getting on with my life, that I think I was ignoring what was happening and just “dealing with it”. And that’s something no one should have to do anyways.

So while I was getting my yearly follow-up sigmoidoscopy, my new doctor noticed a bit of inflammation and said that we should get that taken care of. I believe that would explain my slight increase in urgency to use the bathroom and would also be the problem causing some of my night time incontinence. I had expressed to him that the night time incontinence was something I did not want to deal with and wanted taken care of as soon as possible. I was wondering why I wasn’t waking up to the sensation of needing to use the bathroom, and we just thought it had to do with too much inflammation, and also perhaps I’m getting very tired and have just become a heavy sleeper at night. He didn’t really know the exact cause.

I had kept myself single for 2010, so I could focus on myself and getting healthier and going along with my life. I have recently decided that maybe I am interested in dating again, but now I had this recent bout that was holding me back. My concern was that I would meet a nice guy, then if we did a Saturday excursion or something, I would spend the morning making sure I had all my pills, and that maybe I would take an extra fiber supplement, so it didn’t look like I was going to the bathroom alot. I would also never bring up anything about being sick or having the surgery until a much later time, as I didn’t want any awkwardness.

Some guys have noticied my scar and I just tell them I had an ulcer removed. I neglected to mention the “ulcer” in question was my entire large intestine. Another major concern for me, that causes lots of stress is what to do if they want to spend the night. The sexual part doesn’t bother me as much, because I always prepare for that and have gotten more comfortable. But with my new issue of some night time incontinence, I’m paranoid about letting someone spend the night and possibly me having an accident. Also, I get up to use the bathroom about twice a night, so I know that would be something they notice as well. So when it comes to that, I’m always awkward and usually avoid having someone spend the night. This is SURELY something that will avoid allowing me to enter a relationship.

So after the scope (which my doctor found nothing else concerning besides the inflammation, thankfully), he prescribed me rectal suppositories. I had been on these right after having my second surgery to take care of some inflammation. I eventually stopped after a refill, because I was seeing someone at the time and it wasn’t convenient for me to remember to use them at night and I also felt that I didn’t notice much difference. But it was right after my surgery and I was on such a kick about feeling good, I don’t think I paid much attention, or I just attributed any issues to the healing process.

He prescribed me Canasa, which is a non-steriodal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID), similar to aspirin. The suppository I was on before was a hydrocortisone and he said because of my previous history of dysplasia that he wasn’t comfortable prescribing anything with a steroid in it, because he didn’t want that to feed any growth. I had never thought of that, but was glad that he did.

It took about two weeks, but all of a sudden I noticed a definite difference. My first time going to the bathroom all day wouldn’t happen until about 3:00pm! It’s prescribed to take at night, but I was worried with my going to the bathroom at night that it would just come right out and not be very effective. So I use one in the morning, right before I go to to work. That way it can stay in longer and has much better success for me. After a scope one month later, he noticied a significant decrease in inflammation. Excellent news!

Due to the success, he told me it would be okay to start taking them twice a day, one in the morning and now one at night. This is in the hopes of trying to clear up the night time incontinence. My night time issues got better as well, but I’m looking for them to be completely gone, and it was still sometimes unpredictable. I see him again in about another month and hope for further reductions in inflammation and eventually being able to go a whole week without any night time issues!

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2010: New Year, New Beginnings

January 4, 2010

Happy New Year everyone! The one thing I always like about a new year, is the feeling that you can change your whole outlook on life in one day. Between the transition of 11:59pm and 12:00am, you can decide that you will be a whole new person, with all new goals. I have decided that 2010 will be more about me, than about me trying to fulfill what I think is “me”. I can definately say I spent that last decade trying to achieve an image of myself, which only caused me stress and worry.

In the past decade, I had a total of 7 surgeries, including the colectomy, facial reconstruction for an underbite, tonsils, removal of dysplasia cells, and removal of my wisdom teeth. I also dealt with coming out to family and friends, achieving a college degree, attempting a long-term relationship, and finally getting a full-time job. Not to mention the whole ulcerative colitis and major surgeries combination, just to end out the decade.

Of course, I don’t find this to be any more intense than anyone else’s life, I’m just ready to close out the chapter of the 2000’s and start a new one with the 2010’s. I rang in the New Year just the way I wanted my new life to begin: I went out alone, and I went home alone. I couldn’t really get any friends to commit to going out, and I didn’t want to hang at someone’s apartment, I wanted to go dancing and have a good time. I normally would NEVER go out alone, because I usually would just feel like some weirdo in a corner, but I had decided that it would be a self-exploration exercise.

I walked into the club with confidence and ordered a drink at the bar. There were couples everywhere, so I went upstairs to the dancefloor. I stayed up there most of the night, making eye contact with one guy that had been staring me down for a little while. This made me smile, and no matter how you feel about yourself, it’s always good to know you still got it! As the countdown began, I briefly worried that I wouldn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight, then realized that I didn’t NEED anyone to kiss at midnight. If I had myself, I had enough. When the clock struck midnight, there were cheers and screams and I apparently was standing under a confetti bucket, because about a pound of confetti fell on me, in my drink, and in my champagne toast. It sucked, but was kind of funny, haha. This opened up the window for that guy to approach me, because he came over laughing and helped me brush off the confetti, to which we discussed the joys of being out on New Year’s Eve.

We chatted for a little bit, and danced for a little bit, but he wasn’t totally my type. Normally, I would ignore it and still want to hang out with him, and I would secretly never be happy about it and it would eventually cause us to have an argument about two months down the line when we can’t figure out why things aren’t working out. So I had taken lessons from the past and decided to not make the same mistakes again. I hung around the bar again for a little bit and some guy came up to me and said that I was “the most gorgeous person of the new decade”. Haha, this really got me going and I thanked him and decided that now was a good time to leave the bar, because I was feeling great about myself and great about the new year.

I went home that night and layed in bed, thinking about my New Year’s resolutions:

  • I want to not think about diseases or surgeries for a whole year
  • I want to find friends that I can call last minute and they will genuinely want to hang out with me, and will be free to do so
  • I want to volunteer some time to help others out
  • I want that toned, fit body I’ve been trying to achieve since high school
  • I want to laugh more often
  • I want to focus on myself as an independent person and try to realize that I don’t need a relationship to make myself complete

What are your resolutions for the New Year?

P.S.- I was also thinking: If anyone has an ostomy, I think going to New York City for New Year’s Eve would be a good idea. If you think about it, those people that crowd around Times Square can’t lose their spot to go to the bathroom. And you hear about people who say they wear adult diapers and just go right there. So if you have an ostomy, you wouldn’t need to go to the bathroom, and therefore wouldn’t have to worry about losing your spot in Time Square. Take advantage of the benefits of having an ostomy! =)

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NEW POLL: Pre- and Post-Surgery Attractiveness

December 30, 2009

I wanted to get an idea of the difference people feel about themselves in relation to the surgery. Sometimes it can make you feel more attractive, but it can also lower self esteem if you might have issues with the scars or living without a large intestine. There are also some who felt less attractive while they were sick, so the surgery only made it better, no matter what the outcome.

Let me know what you guys think!

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UC & Relationships: Obstacle or Challenge?

December 21, 2009

So living with UC or Crohn’s, or living post-surgery, can be very tough if you are single and trying to start a relationship. Belieeeeeve me, haha.

Some of us were in relationships when we first got sick, and I give immense credit to those partners who stuck around with us while the timing was tough. I have the deepest respect for you, because it is very hard to understand what your partner is going through and the type of emotional rollar coasters they go through, as well as the intense physical changes they experience. Those relationships may have been strained by the disease, and either ended or grew from working through it.

But then there are some of us who are single and facing the challenges of how to bring a relationship into our already crazy lives. There’s always the question of whether you should bring something up to them in the beginning or wait awhile. But then again, they are seeing you go to the bathroom all the time, so I think it’s better to bring it out in the open, so they aren’t wondering why you always head to the bathroom. They could be thinking a lot worse things, haha.

For those of us living post-surgery, it’s something you may be able to keep discreet for a lot longer. At least until you get your shirt off. I know most of the time I end up telling someone is because they ask what the scar is on my stomach. I had it done lapyroscopically, so I only have little poke-hole scars, and one bigger scar from the ostomy. That’s usually the only one they notice. Sometimes I joke that I got caught in a knife fight, or that I was “in the wrong place, at the wrong time”. The look you get back is priceless and totally worth any strange thoughts they may have. Then I tell them I’m joking and confess the true story, which coincidentally gives the same face, haha. Most of them can’t actually believe that you can have your whole large intestine out. So I continue to joke and say that you can’t have the whole thing out, and I just did it anyways to be used as a test subject. If anyone can get past my dry sense of humor about this surgery, I know they’re a great person.

I have to say that of the guys I’ve dated since the surgery, every single one of them accepted me for it, and was even a little curious about it. Some would come back the next day with information that surprises me, only to find out they went home and googled it. That always makes me smile, because to have someone research a topic so they could understand it more means a lot to me. Some would want to see the pictures from the surgery, while others were fine without that. One main thing that sits like an elephant in the room, is that we may both be thinking about sexual practices. I wonder if they think whether or not I can have sex, and they might actually be thinking that same thing. So I usually just toss it out there, so we can get that topic out of the way. I tell them, yes, I can have sex.

I have an ileo-rectal anastamosis, which means I still have my rectum. That means I would still be able to have sex. People who live with the j-pouch are not advied to have surgery, because the sutures are right at the end, and very vulnerable to damage. But that is going to require it’s own post at a later time.

One unfortunate thing I have to say is that each relationship is still always bothered by this journey. I can say that 100% of the time it’s my fault. I have insecurity issues and I have yet to get over them. But it’s only been 7 months since my last surgery, so I know I have more time to accept things. I’m confident that once I’m totally comfortable with myself, I will be able to let someone into my life completely and have a successful relationship.

So I now want to open a topic about how relationships work for you? Have you had success? Were you already in a relationship? And did it fizzle or grow from the experience? Do you find it hard to date, and when do you usually bring the topic up? Has anyone had any bad experiences that they would like to share? I would like to hear from as many of you as possible so that others can see the experiences people go through and what the final results are. I think the only way we can accept ourselves is to know that others accept themselves and to learn from example.

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Welcome All!!!

December 20, 2009

Hi everyone!

My name is Michael and I am a 23-year old gay male that was diagnosed with severe ulcerative colitis in February 2008. I lived with the disease for almost a year, before finally deciding to have surgery in December 2008. I documented my journey on another blog, jpouch.net. You can read my stories on the following links:

http://www.jpouch.net/photos/boots-uc-journey/

http://www.jpouch.net/2009/04/20/boots-uc-journey-part-2/

I started out using that blog and it was a GREAT resource for people living with the disease and contemplating surgery. I got a lot of information, because I was able to talk with people that had lived with it, and also had surgery with a multitude of results. It also let you know what to expect before and after, which can get rid of a lot of confusion. The only thing that still confused me, was that I am gay and was looking to see how it affected gay individuals. I searched the internet up and down, only to find minimal results. I did get through to someone on jpouch.net, and he helped me answer a lot of questions, but there were still so many I had.

Since posting my story on jpouch.net, I’ve had many other gay people (more than I thought) contact me, or comment on my stories saying how it was such a relief to find someone else gay and going through this disease. That inspired me to start my own blog on being gay living with digestive diseases, or living post-surgery. It is a totally different perspective for gay people (gay men mostly), because we don’t just use our intestines for digestive purposes. It can be a dramatic lifestyle change, and I know that was the NUMBER ONE issue for me when I was sick. I had a partner for over two years when I got sick and it put a serious strain our relationship, and lead to the end of it. It was also hard for my family to understand where I was coming from, so I hope this site can be a support for family members as well.

I have done much research on this topic, as to what to do before and after surgery, what kind of sexual practices can you do, how do you psychologically face living with a disease that makes you feel immensely unattractive. So I ask that you use this site to get answers from me or other people who have been through similar situations. I would also like to post polls to see how people are affected by certain issues. This is a totally open topic blog, and you may ask anything you like, we are not discriminate, and there can be no topic too taboo. You may also be anonymous if you like. If you want to speak with me personally and identify yourself to get my perspective, you can e-mail me at Booties4986@aol.com. I will help you out to the best of knowledge, and if I can’t provide an answer, I will find one for you.

This is an issue we need to bring into the light, and I ask for your help! All members of the LGBT, heterosexual, or curious community are welcome to visit and post, I hold no discriminations and believe we are all here to make our lives healthier and happier. Let the fun begin!!!